Microreview: Hofbrau & "Beer Garden"

This place is awful. So awful that I have to use a sentence like, "This place is awful," to describe it. I mean, that's an awful sentence. Right on Jones Maltsberger, this "beer garden" has the personality of a rock. Not a quarry rock, which can have a bit of personality (you know, fancy little places made out of Hill Country limestone, something like The Vineyards), but a construction rock -- nah, still too much credit. Let's say some Platonic vision of a rock, perfectly rocky.

My brother and I walked in and our waitress, as it turned out, walked right by us without even making eye contact and found a seat in the "Beer Garden" (seriously, there was a huge door jamb that had "beer garden" written on the top of it). Then John had to go ask the bartender if we could get some service. We had a couple of Spaten Optimators and a plate of tasteless boiled (that's the only explanation I care to think about) chicken pieces and jalapeño slices wrapped in boiled bacon and coated in what must have been brown-flavored dish water (at least the chipotle ranch was all right, though it didn't taste anything like chipotle). The beer prices weren't knee-cappingly horrible, but not really happy houry (5.50 for the brews and who knows how much regularly), though the food prices were high (they can only get away with these prices for this shit on the riverwalk and Alamo Heights, my brother said) especially for the quality.

The speaker, attached to a tree, blared really bad, pop country music. I mean, just horrific stuff no matter where you are, but in a beer garden? Come on. If you're not going to play oompah music (and I'm fine with that: in fact don't do it), then don't play anything. And while there is a certain connection between South Texas (vaquero country) and Germany, pop country is not one of them. Tejano? O.K. Taylor Swift. Fuck no. Anyway, background conversations are music in biergartens. Still, I suppose nothing much about the place is biergarten. In fact the only thing beer gardenish about it is the outside seating.

On the way out (mercifully we were there for less than an hour -- long story, but we didn't have a choice), we walked through the inside, which still looks like the Mexican restaurant it was recently. At least the music wasn't on in there. Via Con Dios, it says over the exit. I'll be viaing con dios from that place forever.